Final Shot at Glory: Going for the Gold in the Heartland

SEATTLE, Washington, June 12 (Norway Times) — Aslaug Giske, the 80-year-old “Mr. Mayor” of Kenmare, North Dakota’s Norwegian community, has led a life during which recognition has been largely conspicuous by its absence. But a January visit to the home of his cousin, Helga Halvorsen, renewed Giske’s hope that he could at long last be acknowledged for some lasting achievement, beyond his “political” contributions to Kenmare.

During that fateful visit, he spotted a copy of the most recent Guinness World Records. While leafing through the book, “the hand of God touched me,” said Giske, to describe how he had to remove a sleepy seed in his right eye before continuing to peruse the records.

“It was one of those ‘ah hah moments,’” Giske continued. “As my left hand held the book and my right hand cleaned my eye, I thought there had to be a reason for this coincidence. I quickly looked at the Guinness index and, lo and behold, there was, not surprisingly, no world record for the largest collection of those little reminders of Mr. Sandman’s visits.”

Then and there, the Old Norwegian set out to establish such a record. Of course, one sleepy seed would suffice absent an existing record. But as he learned when he contacted Guinness, their criteria are more demanding than that: specifically, one pound’s worth of seeds would do it.

Giske’s collection has now topped close to four pounds as he closes in on his goal of five pounds. He has relied on the Kenmare Norwegian community to spread the word to every one of their “six degrees of separation,” as his niece Helga describes their strategy for collecting sleepy seeds from near and far, including of course Norway.

Halvorsen told the Times that additional information on contributing to her uncle’s Guinness record could be obtained via email at aslaughelga@norsksand.org.

The “Da Condi Code” cracked: Bush is an idiot

WASHINGTON, May 11 (Rhoiders) – U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has unwittingly become the first Bush insider to offer a biting assessment of the president’s intelligence. In brief, Rice thinks Bush’s shuttlecock is missing its feathers!

Rice’s opinion of the president’s IQ was gleaned from Cabinet meeting notes that she inadvertently left in the Oval Office March 4. Those notes were anonymously mailed to Rhoiders’ Washington bureau with the note, “So much for Condi’s undying loyalty.”

Rhoiders hired former CIA cryptologist Giorgio Galluzzi and Rand Corporation software developer Milena Gramatikova to decipher what they have called the “Da Condi Code,” a series of apparently meaningless acronyms written on the margins of the Cabinet meeting agenda memo. (Handwriting expert Sean Morrissey has confirmed the writing to be Rice’s.)

Gramatikova developed a software program that Galluzzi then used to run the acronyms against every speech Rice has made in the past two years in an attempt to establish their meaning. Galluzzi said, “Although Rice probably felt that she was constructing random acronyms, they are consistent with her use of language, as evidenced by a comparison with her speeches.”

Here is a sampling of Rice’s notes with Galluzzi’s analysis:

1. Relations with the Democratic leadership. WAFM: What a fucking moron.
2. Increased vulnerability of the Green Zone. DHRTAWBY: Does he really think anyone will buy that?
3. How to deal with the sub-prime mortgage crisis. CICWTGBTA: Christ, I can’t wait to get back to academia.
4. Is the change in Cuba genuine? MLNNIAO: My long national nightmare is almost over.
5. How to help McCain. GDRTDPIOH: God damned right, the dumbest president in our history.
6. Spinning the tax rebate. STYA: Spin this, you asshole.
7. Congressional hearings on oil industry profits. HCYSANDYHOFOCBYE: How can you sleep at night? Do you have one fiber of curiosity between your ears?

State Department spokesman Francois Agustin told Rhoiders, “White House security policies absolutely ensure that writings from all meetings are accounted for. This is obviously an attempt to disparage not only the president, but also the Secretary, whose loyalty to the president has always been unquestioned and something he can count on.”

Developing . . .

Published in: on May 11, 2008 at 12:47 pm Comments (1)
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What’s that sound in the background?

Yesterday I witnessed a cellphone talker even more hateful than one who is driving: A pisser. Yes, he was standing at the urinal next to me having a conversation via his Bluetooth device.

At least it was attached to his ear!

Published in: on May 9, 2008 at 10:30 am Comments (0)

What if they hosted the Olympics and no one came!

All this talk of boycotting the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics is as far off the mark as the amount of pollution China spews into the air every day.

Every freedom-loving athlete and country should boycott the entire event. Sure, athletes train for years if not their entire lives for a shot at gold, and it would be a shame for them to miss that opportunity. For some, these games represent perhaps their only or last chance to compete on the world stage.

But no one should support this repressive, totalitarian, murdering regime. Let the games stop!

Published in: on April 6, 2008 at 7:51 pm Comments (0)
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Chelsea Morning

My guess would be that Joni Mitchell isn’t too happy that Bill and Shrill named their little political whore spawn after her great song.

Published in: on at 12:23 pm Comments (0)
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“Ever” is everywhere

Every day in every way on what feels like every website, someone has posted a photo, a video, an article, a link, etc., to what is
described as the [adjective] [noun] EVER!

How many “cutest cats EVER” can there be! One more and I’ll wretch.

If “ever” means “at all times” or “at any time,” then the countless “ever” postings render that description meaningless.

The “ever” posters are a group that needs to get a life now more than ever.

Published in: on March 29, 2008 at 1:25 pm Comments (0)

Headline (you’ve seen it): “Clinton: in the Race for the Long Run”

I’m getting a very bad feeling about all of this. The terms “murder-suicide,” “scorched earth,” “the Tonya Harding option,” and “kitchen sink” among others are truly depressing.

But wait. There’s hope. Chelsea says her mom would make a better president than her dad. Phew, that’s better.

Published in: on at 12:19 pm Comments (1)

Fat Pants

In a recent conversation with my friend Joanie, I was bemoaning the fact that I’ve gained enough weight — and girth — so that I have maybe one pair of slacks that actually fit me.

She clued me into a concept, she says, that is familiar to most women: fat pants (or dress, skirt, etc.). Their use is obvious.

So off to Macy’s I went this morning for mine.

I’m an average size guy, about six feet tall and one hundred and something unmentionable pounds.

There was not a single pair of slacks with the desired waist size. Bigger and smaller, but not what I needed.

I guess it’s true about the U.S. obesity epidemic.

We are indeed what we eat.

Published in: on January 12, 2008 at 6:45 pm Comments (0)

Irresolute

Twelve days into the new year, and I am reminded why I have not — for years — made New Year resolutions.

Thoughts regarding diet, smoking, doing more or less of this, that, and the other have barely crossed my mind.

The year will be tough enough without having started it facing my lack of will power.

Published in: on at 11:11 am Comments (0)

The Barista Bitch

I’ve dealt with her for years.

She has to recognize me as a regular customer.

Every time she waits on me, I greet her with, “Hi. How are you?”

She has never acknowledged my greeting. Why do I bother? Because I’m a human being. I can’t help myself.

Her vocabulary apparently consists only of “What would you like?” and “That will be $xxx.” And “Thank you” is equally conspicuous by its absence (love that phrase).

Latte this, you badly programmed robotic bitch!

Published in: on December 21, 2007 at 5:16 pm Comments (0)