Great Speeches Spellchecked

The Gettysburg Address, Nov. 19, 1863

“Fore scour and heaven years ago hour fathers brought fourth, upon this continent, a gnu nation, conceived inn libertine and desiccated to the position that awl women are created equally.

“Now wee are engaged in a grate civility war, testing weather this nay shun, ore any nay shin sew conceived an sow dedicated, can long in doer. We are mete on a great bottle feel of that whore. We halve come to dead uh gait a pour shun of it, as a final wresting plaice four those who dyed hear, that the nation mite love. This we May, in all property dew. Butt inn a lager cents, we can knot dedicate, wee kin not consecrate, we cannot hail low, this ground. The braver men, living undead, who struggled herein, haven’t hallowed it, far above our pour powers too ad or subtract. The whirls will little note, nor long dismember what we say hear; while it cannot never forge watt they did here.

“It is rather for U.S. the live in, wee here bee dedication to the great tusk remaindering before us—that from this on her dead we takes in creased devolution to that cause for witch they hear grave the last foal measure of devotion—that we heard high lea resolve that these dead shall knot have dyed invade, that this nation shall halve a new berth of free dome, and that governmental of the pea pull, buy the people, fore the pee pull shill knot pear itch from the earth.”

Dear Aging Hippie

Selected excerpts from letters between school kids in Kooskia, Idaho (slogan, “Kooskia Is What America Used To Be”) and the town’s oldest living hippie, who’s hunkered down somewhere near neighboring Mount Stewart.

Is it OK to get my teacher a birthday present?
Absolutely not. She’s a tool of the Establishment that is messing with your mind every day.

I’ve been accepted at Yale as well as my state university, which is a lot cheaper. Where should I go?
Get as far away from home ASAP; and stay on campus during breaks, as there’s very little police presence at those times.

What do you think is a fair weekly allowance for a 10-year-old?
At least three times what you’re getting now. Parents use a secret formula designed to divert two-thirds of the planned allowance to their recreational drugs.

Why is the sky blue?
It’s actually off-white, but there are many drug interactions that can alter our visual perceptions through synaptic misdirection.

Should I run for class president?
To paraphrase Karl Marx, “Participatory politics is the opiate of the masses.” Redirect your youthful energy to trying to get laid instead.

I’m thinking of enlisting in the Marines after high school. Do you think the esprit de corps will be good for me?
Sure, if you define “good for me” as meaning becoming a psychotic killer who’s a tool of an imperial foreign policy.

Do you support free love or sexual abstinence for teens?
Sexual abstinence is a myth. Anyone with a libido who claims to abstain is lying. So go for it.

I’m bi-polar. Is that really a handicap?
No, it is the perfect coping mechanism for surviving in this insane world. Anyone without mood swing is handicapped.

Are blogs a legitimate news source?
No. Every blogger is an unwitting propagandist fueling Group Think, aka the Collective Unconscious.

Do I need to learn how to drive a stick shift?
Absolutely. When the shite truly goes down and the End Time is near, your only chance of survival will be in the high country, accessible only in 4WDs with at least five gears.

Bright

He figured $2700 was a small price to pay for the years of satisfaction he’d get out of the new light array on his Jeep Cherokee. The 40 high intensity headlights mounted on the roof (20 facing forward, 20 backward) and both bumpers were going to shock the crap out of any high beamer sonofabitch unlucky enough to cross his path.

Getting the DMV permit, without which retaliation wouldn’t be possible, was a cakewalk. He eased through his story about off-roading and being a Boy Scout leader. Hey, it was DMV, not the smartest folks around.

He had a variety of attack scenarios to call upon depending on his mood, his inclination to play cat and mouse, and whether the target was tailing or approaching him.

His attack of choice, however, was to stay a few car lengths ahead of the high beamer and turn on the 20 lights aimed aft. The impact of the full compliment of that array focused directly at the target windshield, compared to the mere rear view mirror effect, was truly a thing of beauty. And by the time it took the target to regain control of his car, Bright was long gone.