Selected excerpts from letters between school kids in Kooskia, Idaho (slogan, “Kooskia Is What America Used To Be”) and the town’s oldest living hippie, who’s hunkered down somewhere near neighboring Mount Stewart.
Is it OK to get my teacher a birthday present?
Absolutely not. She’s a tool of the Establishment that is messing with your mind every day.
I’ve been accepted at Yale as well as my state university, which is a lot cheaper. Where should I go?
Get as far away from home ASAP; and stay on campus during breaks, as there’s very little police presence at those times.
What do you think is a fair weekly allowance for a 10-year-old?
At least three times what you’re getting now. Parents use a secret formula designed to divert two-thirds of the planned allowance to their recreational drugs.
Why is the sky blue?
It’s actually off-white, but there are many drug interactions that can alter our visual perceptions through synaptic misdirection.
Should I run for class president?
To paraphrase Karl Marx, “Participatory politics is the opiate of the masses.” Redirect your youthful energy to trying to get laid instead.
I’m thinking of enlisting in the Marines after high school. Do you think the esprit de corps will be good for me?
Sure, if you define “good for me” as meaning becoming a psychotic killer who’s a tool of an imperial foreign policy.
Do you support free love or sexual abstinence for teens?
Sexual abstinence is a myth. Anyone with a libido who claims to abstain is lying. So go for it.
I’m bi-polar. Is that really a handicap?
No, it is the perfect coping mechanism for surviving in this insane world. Anyone without mood swing is handicapped.
Are blogs a legitimate news source?
No. Every blogger is an unwitting propagandist fueling Group Think, aka the Collective Unconscious.
Do I need to learn how to drive a stick shift?
Absolutely. When the shite truly goes down and the End Time is near, your only chance of survival will be in the high country, accessible only in 4WDs with at least five gears.
