Posted on craigslist rants & raves

Dear Office Mate,

I’m sure I speak for our other co-worker with whom we share an office, when I say that you really ought to seek medical treatment. As if your constant wheezing, hacking, sneezing, and apparent attempts to cough up a lung were not distracting enough, we really appreciate your using a single kleenex all night and throwing it on your desk after each expulsion, thereby exposing us to your germs and bacteria. Do the words “trash can” and “package of kleenex” mean anything to you, you human toxic waste dump.

Notes to self: (1) Warn the woman who uses your PC during the day that her work area, and keyboard in particular, wouldn’t pass an environmental impact study. (2) Buy some of those nose/mouth mask thingies for myself and my good office mate.

Finally, asshole, I hope that one night soon there’s sufficient moisture accumulated on your lone kleenex that when you toss it on your desk it comes in contact with a sensitive PC component, the PC is fried, and you lose all of your work.

Gesundheit. Not.

Raison d’être

For more than a decade now, his life has been consumed by a singular passion.

He was going for the record, and the fame that a Guinness World Record would bring for having the world’s largest collection of belly button lint.

But as his passion to break the record grew, so did his waistline.

Twelve years into his effort, he found that his steady weight gain had all but obliterated his navel from view. The spare tire around his mid-section had engulfed it. And this was no donut spare; it was the real deal. It could be mounted on a Hummer!

He tried everything—extra fleecy clothing, fewer showers, and raggedy underwear—all to no avail.

As he stood in front of the mirror searching for at least a hint of lint, he couldn’t think of any reason to go on.

Even Killers Need a Hug

Overheard on the subway.

He: I don’t know how much longer I can live with this guilt.

She: I feel the same way. It’s unbearable.

He: The child molester I killed deserved to die. But still, I committed a murder.

She: He got what he deserved, as did the drug pusher I shot.

He: Damn gun law! Why do they allow us to carry concealed weapons?

She: That’s beside the point. We need help.

He: I know. I wonder how many of us are walking around, hurting, and with no support system.

She: Must be hundreds. Just look at the number of unsolved murders.

He: Some might be hurting even more than we are. There must be a way to get together with some of them.

She: I got it! Let’s post on craigslist about forming a support group.

He: Yeah, right. Why don’t we just turn ourselves in!

She: C’mon, give me a little credit. Remember the “code word” known only to us stone-cold killers? We’ll just insert it in an innocuous posting about a new midlife crisis support group that’s forming.

He: And you wonder why I love you!

She: Hello Craig, goodbye guilt.

Dear Sports Announcer

Bartholemew “Crusty” O’Reilly recently retired after fifty years as the sports announcer for WICE-FM in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. Junior high principal Betty Bahp has always tried to impress upon her students that a person is more than his job. In that vein, she asked them to submit questions to Mr. O’Reilly that fall outside of his work experience, and specifically address current events. Following is a sampling of the correspondence.

What’s your assessment of President Bush as he nears the end of his presidency?
He’s silenced all the critics. He plays bigger than his size. He has the complete package. You can’t stop him; you can only hope to contain him. He’s going to set the world on fire. He can take this team to the Promised Land.

Obviously we all support our troops, but what’s your personal opinion of how we’re doing in Iraq?
We knew this would be no cakewalk. I’m really proud of the way our guys hung in there. We brought our A-game. It wasn’t pretty but we’ll take it. It was a total team effort. We snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat. This win is for all the fans.

If the president decides we should invade Iran, what advice would you give him?
We have to establish our running game. We have to stop the big play by dominating the line of scrimmage. We have to pound it out on the ground. We have to stick to our game plan. This game will be won in the trenches.

What in the world has happened to the Democratic party?
They’re making a lot of unforced errors. They appear to lack consistency. They have to get back into their offensive rhythm. They don’t have their heads in the game. They can still try the “Hail Mary.” A lot of the faithful are heading for the exits.

How should the Democrats approach the 2008 elections?
They have to remember what got them here. They control their own destiny. Hopefully they can steal one on the road. They’re in a must-win situation. They’ve got their backs against the wall. Anything less than a championship is unacceptable. A tie is like kissing your sister.

How’s Secretary of State Condi Rice doing?
She’s really throwing some heat. She can overpower the hitters. She’s capable of going the distance. But she has to manufacture some runs. She can tie it up with one swing of the bat.

Why is the president’s inner circle in trouble?
They’ve been struggling offensively and trying to find their identity. They’ve got to ignore the off-field distractions. They need to add a new wrinkle to their offense. But they’ve got die-hard fans. You have to respect their quickness. They strike fear in the hearts of their opponents.

Unintended Consequences Department: The Brown Bears of Katmai

Juneau, Alaska (7/15/07), Press Release for Immediate Distribution, Alaska Department of Fish & Game, Office of the Commissioner
Subject: The Katmai Bears are Dying Off

The number of brown bears of the Katmai Peninsula, particularly the bears of the Brooks River territory, has significantly dropped over the past ten years. The population has fallen from about 7,500 to 300 during this time period.

The Division of Wildlife Conservation, in conjunction with the University of Alaska, has studied this catastrophic change in the ecosystem of the Brooks area of Katmai and finally reached a conclusion, and a startling one at that. The Katmai bear population has developed attention deficit disorder and, as a result, is dying off due to starvation.

It is well known that the brown bears stand in the middle of the Brooks River during the annual salmon migration. During this period, they gorge themselves to prepare for hibernation. They are among Nature’s best fishermen.

But their fishing ability has steadily diminished since 1997, the year that we installed our first tourist observation platforms—which now number in excess of 100—over the Brooks River. Our conclusion is that the bears have been so distracted by the tourists that their population has been beset by attention deficit disorder. They just stand on the rocks in the river, apparently unable to decide which salmon to catch.

We have further concluded that the only hope for the bears is to immediately close off the Brooks River range to tourists in order to restore the fishing ability—and population—of this treasured natural resource. In addition, we are watching the other bear ranges to see if a similar trend develops in the areas open to tourism, or if this tragic phenomenon is limited to the Brooks River bears.

This information carries Priority One status and should be distributed to all P1 subscribers and personnel.

On Seeing a Friend’s Daughter for the First Time

Legacy in the Making
She’s just three years old
Not yet at an age to know
How much she’s given

It’s Official: Bush is the Worst U.S. President in History

Dispensing with the customary “history will be the judge,” the American Society of Presidential Historians has weighed in on the question increasingly asked over the past few years.

At the Society’s annual meeting in Chicago, Chair Alexa Donovan told the gathering, “We needn’t wait for our successors to make their judgment regarding George W. Bush. By every imaginable criterion, he is by far the worst president in the history of our republic. It is inconceivable to the Society that any future president will have the freedom to debase the office of the presidency and damage the country as he has done.”

A reporter asked Ms. Donovan which president is second to Bush on the Society’s list. “Tragically,” she said, “the current president is a list unto himself.”

Carets and Such

Critical
Editors find fault
Nonstop forty hours a week.
It’s tough being right.

The Unbearable Lightness of IM Spelling

“I Have a Mouse in the Kitchen that is Breading”
Once I read this line
A baking mouse took control
Of my faculties

Forest for the trees
The obvious passed me by
Breeding, you numbskull!

The Six Hundred Sixty-Sixth Day

And God said, Let male and female dreameth of all that moveth about them upon the earth, in the sea, and in the air: and it was so.

[1] And God said, Let them not remembereth every thing that they dreameth: and it was so.

[2] And God said, Let them not understand every thing in what they remembereth that they dreameth: and it was so.

[3] And God said, Let them thinketh much about what they remembereth but do not understandeth: and a thing knowneth as mystery was so.

[4] And God said, Let them dreameth also of all that moveth even within them and be more confuseth: and it was so.

[5] And God said, Let them be idle of mind and body because they are confuseth: and it was so.

[6] And God said, Let there walketh upon the earth those who chargeth more than man and woman can affordeth to helpeth them knoweth of what they dreameth and be idle no more: and a thing knowneth as therapy was so.

[7] And God saw every thing that he had made was very good. And the evening and the morning were the six hundred sixty-sixth day.