More is less.

One of my moronic manager’s favorite expressions is “step it up,” as in we all need to do more. If there were ever a case of projection, this is it.

Given the number of us who have traipsed over to HR with a litany of complaints about her, presumably she’s gotten some coaching from HR focusing on her management skills and style.

One critical component of management, of course, is effective communication.

Her misguided attempt to being a better communicator is to force us to suffer through stand-up status meetings every other day, rather than just the single insufferable weekly team meeting we’ve had in the past.

I guess she feels like she’s stepping it up.

So we gather needlessly three times a week now to repeat the updates that we give each other on our projects routinely every day. And she stands there with nothing to say or contribute, as usual.

Published in:  on July 31, 2009 at 4:43 am Leave a Comment
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<100

Since I began working in office jobs in mid-1966, 15,710 days have elapsed.

I decided last year that my 2009 birthday gift to myself would be to end FT conventional employment just before my November 10 birthday, which will mark the day I qualify for full Social Security benefits.

There are just 99 days to go until Friday, November 6. I have completed 0.994 percent of my time enduring the Rat Race.

The end is so close I can taste it.

Published in:  on July 30, 2009 at 5:28 am Leave a Comment
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The Mother of All Mental Lapses

I’m a very good job hunter. I’ve got the resume/cover letter/phone screening/interview drill well in hand, with the results to prove it.

However, this past week I made a mistake for which I’ll be beating myself up for a while.

I’m in the process of putting in place a number of permanent part-time freelance positions that will enable me to move away from FT employment toward a semi-retirement supported by several income streams.

One of my current freelance jobs is for a West Coast media company that provides content to many websites. I edit short articles for the company.

I found an identical position posted on craigslist for a Boston company looking for copy editors. I applied online. And then I realized that, indeed, I had taken leave of my senses when I composed the email cover letter.

Among other things I wrote: “I am most interested in the copy editor position and am currently doing similar work for a company on the West Coast.”

Let’s rewrite that, shall we, for a tip on how not to get a job: “I’m working for one of your competitors.”

Wishing you were here: You’d be more than welcome to act on the “Kick Me” sign on my butt.

Published in:  on July 19, 2009 at 1:06 pm Leave a Comment
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I work with juveniles.

The manager sends the team the following email:

Subject: Working from home in AM tomorrow
I have an Orthodontist appointment for my daughter at 10:30, she is getting new braces so about a 2 hr appt. I will be working from home in the morning and will be back in the office around 1:00.

The production guy responds:
Woo hooo. I’m bringing the keg!!!

The manager responds:
Hum! I’m still here and have not signed off yet.

The manager’s admin. assistant finishes the conversation:
LOL!!

Published in:  on June 25, 2009 at 11:06 am Leave a Comment
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The sexiest woman I’ve ever known

Shortly after I started dating Maggie, we went swimming in a lake not far from her place.

After our swim we walked over to her car in the parking lot.

While I was getting in on the passenger side, Maggie—standing between the open driver side door and the driver seat—reached under her billowy, floral-print cotton summer dress and removed her panties, placing them in one of the pockets on the front of the dress.

In that brief 12 seconds, Maggie telegraphed that my life would never be the same again.

Published in:  on June 11, 2009 at 10:35 am Comments (1)
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An Open Letter to Jeff Bezos, Top Suit at Amazon.com

I’ve been an Amazon customer for years and have spent thousands of dollars on your website. Until this past week, I’ve been completely satisfied; that is, until I encountered one of your customer service drones who could nothing more than strictly adhere to her script. Her lack of common sense cost Amazon about a $1000.

Here’s the story, and I encourage you to incorporate it into your staff training program.

I ordered a MacBook at a price of $994. The day it shipped I saw on your website that the price had dropped to $979. Since I could find nothing on your website about a price guarantee policy, I Googled “Amazon price guarantee” and learned that, even though it’s one of your dirty little secrets, it does exist and it extends for 30 days from the date of purchase.

I called the appropriate number and requested that the $15 be credited to my account. The drone told me that couldn’t be done, as the item had already shipped. I asked her why the policy is called a “30-day price guarantee.” This is what’s referred to as “talking to a wall.”

So here’s the bottom line. I returned the item to Amazon and ordered it from Apple for $999—a slightly higher price but a much better feeling.

I’m sure you know the expression that begins, “For want of a nail . . .” Well, one of your customer service reps just lost you the battle.

Published in:  on May 31, 2009 at 2:16 am Leave a Comment
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Our manager is the idiot of our little village.

A Complicated Relationship with Reality
She occupies space
But without self-awareness
Still, she threatens us

Published in:  on May 17, 2009 at 4:10 am Leave a Comment
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For Whom the Bells Don’t Toll

I was a Good Humor man in the summer between my sophomore and junior years in college.

As you probably remember, the ringing bells on the Good Humor truck signal for the waiting customers the arrival of their daily treat to the neighborhood.

One of the towns on my route, Fairlawn, New Jersey, had at that time a noise ordinance that prohibited the ringing of my bells.

The impact of that prohibition should be fairly obvious.

Also, Fairlawn was a suburban community, fairly well off, where a large portion of the middle to upper-middle-class kids went away to summer camp.

Again, the impact.

I’ve had countless jobs since the summer of ’63, many of which reflect the then unseen writing on the walls of Fairlawn: Welcome aboard. Bend over so we can screw you and move on.

Published in:  on May 2, 2009 at 4:25 pm Leave a Comment

Pew Editor Fired: “Search and Replace” Gone Terribly Wrong

WASHINGTON, April 30 (Geuters) — People experienced in the use of the “search and replace” function in word processing software understand that, even though it’s a valuable tool, it’s also a potential minefield.

Editors in particular understand this. Copy Editor Ruud Ozkapici at Pew Research, however, evidently had a mental lapse in running a search and replace and has been fired for the results.

The following is part of the result of Ozkapici’s search and replace, in which he inadvertently searched for “religion/religious” and replaced it with “underwear” rather than “religious affiliation.”

Underwear Changes in the U.S. in Flux

April 27, 2009, Executive Summary

Americans change their underwear early and often. In total, about half of American adults have changed underwear at least once during their lives. Most people who change their underwear leave their childhood underwear before age 24, and many of those who change underwear do so more than once. These are among the key findings of a new survey conducted by the Pew Research Center’s Forum on Religion & Public Life. The survey documents the fluidity of underwear in the U.S. and describes in detail the patterns and reasons for change.

The reasons people give for changing their underwear – or leaving underwear altogether – differ widely depending on the origin and destination of the convert. The group that has grown the most in recent years due to underwear change is the unaffiliated population. Two-thirds of former Catholics who have become unaffiliated and half of former Protestants who have become unaffiliated say they left their childhood underwear because they stopped believing in its teachings, and roughly four-in-ten say they became unaffiliated because they do not believe in God or the teachings of most underwear. Additionally, many people who left underwear to become unaffiliated say they did so in part because they think of underwear people as hypocritical or judgmental, because underwear organizations focus too much on rules or because underwear leaders are too focused on power and money. Far fewer say they became unaffiliated because they believe that modern science proves that underwear is just superstition.

In his unsuccessful defense (following discovery of his error just prior to publication), Ozkapici said he was preoccupied with “underwear” when he was editing the report. “I had ruined many of my wife’s panties when I did the laundry,” he said, “and I promised to pick up new ones for her that day.”

Published in:  on May 1, 2009 at 12:07 am Leave a Comment
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The Front-Desk Oldster

There was a slip in my mailbox indicating that I had received a package. I went to the front desk in the lobby of my apartment building to pick it up.

There, I dealt with one of the building staff, a man about 75 years old.

I gave him the slip. He retrieved my package.

When I went up to my apartment, there was a UPS receipt stuck to my door showing that a package had been delivered for me today. (My building used to put those receipts in our mailboxes to save us a trip back down to the lobby, a much more tenant-friendly way to do things.)

Packages awaiting retrieval, obviously, are arranged by apartment unit—with the apartment number written and circled with a black marker—in a room next to the front desk. So, the Asshole of the Day could easily have given me both packages at once.

Published in:  on April 25, 2009 at 1:50 am Leave a Comment
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